I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
