I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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