idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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