FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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