My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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