I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Randomize
