I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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