Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
