I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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