i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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