Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
