dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
