you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
