If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
