Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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