In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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