direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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