You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
