Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
