Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
