who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
