Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
