I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
