I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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