did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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