So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just gift wrapped bread.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
