You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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