I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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