Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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