dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
