When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
