I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
