i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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