I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
