All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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