At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
