once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
