I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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