Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
