The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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