How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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