you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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