Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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