wanna go halves on a baby?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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