I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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