I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
