He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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