Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
