i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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