Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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