Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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