She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
