4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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