I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
