oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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