What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
