I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
