My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
