you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have aggressive nipples.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
