i permit you to call me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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