It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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