Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
